Introverts, deflection is the skill that will save you

Communication Hacks: Part 3

6 min readMar 4, 2017

Is it true, “everyone’s favorite topic of conversation is themselves”?

We’ve all been in a situation with someone where this aphorism has rang true. However, this isn’t true of everyone in every situation — there are exceptions to the rule.

In part 1 we looked at the power of listening skills, and then in part 2 we looked at a strategy to make an assertive exit from a conversation. Now, let’s look at how to handle conversations when you don’t feel like sharing, when you’re feeling introverted.

I’ll be honest, with most of my friends and family I love talking about myself endlessly ;). But sometimes, I find myself in a situation where this is not the case.

Sometimes you might not want to share…

Like me, sometimes you might find yourself in a situation when you don’t want to share a lot of personal information. This can especially be an issue when doing the obligatory ‘catching up’ with acquaintances who you are not particularly close to. These might be them old friends, colleagues, neighbors, more distant family members etc.

I can recall quite a few instances when I’ve found it rather painful being pressed by certain family members or overly familiar colleagues for details about my life, or my old friends when I catch up with them from time to time as they ask “what’s new?” For a long time I just awkwardly tried to dodge the questions. (This unfortunately only led to an air of mystery which of course led to further questions!)

There must be a better way!

There is! Pro deflection skills are it.

The default strategy I’ve seen used it is turn the conversation back around on the other person. While this is a useful technique, it’s not the pro solution. The problem is, it can leave the question-asker a bit uncomfortable, because they have expressed some interest in you and many of them will notice that you have avoided their question.

So - how to satisfy their interest, while deftly deflecting?

First, it’s important to accept that these acquaintances are actually generally only seeking three basic data points. The secret is to satisfy these points quickly and efficiently. Give them what they need, and watch the pressure melt away.

Satisfy people’s need to get a update on where, who and what and like magic, you will have deftly deflected.

Hacking the unwanted “Catch Up”… — Pro Deflection

The Where, the Who and the What!

Most of the time there are 3 main questions these acquaintances (consciously or unconsciously) want answered. If these are answered, they will tend to be satisfied.

Let’s look at the three questions you need to address - where, what, and who.

WHERE

1. Where are you living?

I don't know the evolutionary reason why, but people just love to know where you live! (Please tweet me @juliaclavien if you know something about why this might be the case!)

For most people this is the easiest one to cover off.

Trot out this information straight away -

“It took me no time to get here from Surry Hills” .

WHAT

2. What do you do to make money?

Yes they need to know you have a job. Good luck to you if you have a business or you’re some kind of freelancer (because this is tougher, you should take extra time to practice this explanation beforehand, makes sure it is tight and easy to understand otherwise more questions will surface).

“Yeah work at xyz co has been busy, but the project’s going well”.

WHO

3. Who are you sleeping with?

Yes this one can be tricky depending on your situation.

If you are married/in a relationship you can knock it out quickly by mentioning your significant other. (But note that this may lead to questions about your children or your plans to have children so that would need to be covered off too.)

If you’re single, this is one of the tougher ones to gloss over. It’s difficult to craft a one size fits all statement here. I’ve had good success varieties of “I’m so flat out at work I haven’t had time for dating” and segued immediately to a strong answer for 2. what do you do to make money.

Script Your “Catch Up Statement”

Now if you put it all together, you can craft a statement that doesn’t trigger any additional questions and satisfies sufficiently

Sorry I'm late, the traffic was terrible! I had to drop Jamie home from violin practice. She’s home with Alex (who) now at the apartment. We're still at Surry Hills (where), we'll stay there for a while longer. It’s great and close to my job at the bank (what), things are busy, we are loving the new office.”

The key is testing, testing, testing. Test out your statement and see, does your statement satisfy enough? If you get a whole load more questions you might need to rework your statement. Refine it over time.

Keeping nosy acquaintances happy — conform to their stereotypes

It is important to answer questions 1,2,3 with simple stereotypical answers. Avoid any kind of novelty. Think bland. That will help others assimilate the information quickly and easily, and feel comfortable enough to move on.

Alternatives Approaches

The only alternative to just giving the cursory attention to the where the who and the what, is if you have one big juicy piece of info.
— e.g. New job, new lover, new apartment. Then you can drop that in and they often won't bother with the rest, they will be satisfied by one big interesting piece of info. But this is a dangerous strategy, as it can trigger more follow up questions.

“This is wrong!? Are you a sociopath!? Don't you appreciate these people who want to talk to you?”

Maybe. Maybe. Not really. Firstly, this saves me a lot of painful tiring awkward conversations. Secondly, this meet the needs of others -
— They want to validate their own choices — to feel good about themselves
— They want have a level of comfort around you — to feel like they know you, you are familiar and comfortable
— They want to relate and/or bond with you — create a connection

These things are achieved by knowing your personal information.

Knowing about you, is oftentimes more about them than about you.

This doesn’t count for everyone, don’t go assuming all your friends and family fit in this category, but for some acquaintances, it is likely true. You are doing them a favour by packaging up a neat statement.